ANN BOWMAN

I had a number of missionary parents read the book as beta readers. Several said that they cried while reading the book. I had put into words what they had felt. I had described the departure scene at the airport exactly they said, capturing all of their emotions. Each told me that they believed this book would help so many parents.

Although there are wonderful attributes gained by being a child raised overseas, these same children experience untold traumas. My grandchildren had to say a lot of goodbyes to people they loved. They can feel adrift or nomadic with no home base or home country.

My grandchildren often heard explosions or fighting in the mountains around their village as people groups and the military fought. One such skirmish separated them from their parents when a bridge was blown up. Another time, the parents were thrown into Covid quarantine for two weeks when they only travelled to a village nearby. Nationals had to care for them while they were fearful for their parents’ safety.

They experienced a coup in their country where their parents served medically. The military arrived in their small town in a long stream of trucks with soldiers and machine guns. It became typical to see soldiers with machine guns on the streets of their town. There was real danger for the friends, ministry partners, and children in their neighborhood.

The granddaughters had many young friends in their neighborhood who came to a Bible study in their home. One by one the girls began disappearing. My granddaughters learned what it means to be trafficked when the parents of their friends said they had “gone to work”. My granddaughters were just 9 and 12 and their friends were of similar ages.

At one point, my daughter’s family was forced to leave the only country her children had lived in abruptly so most of their belongings were left behind. They learned that their town was bombed, and their home was ransacked and so much that was dear to them was stolen. These are all frightening instances for adults, let alone children.

When missionaries come home from the mission field for a few weeks or months, it is referred to as “furlough.” We learned by trial and error, creating some hard feelings, but God was gracious to restore our relationship. On the first furlough, I was so excited that I planned a large family reunion for my mother’s birthday. I assumed that they would attend but I didn’t ask them. I didn’t consider how exhausted my daughter’s family was due to traveling with three children under age six. Their time in the U.S. was brief, only three weeks, so there was no real time to recuperate from the 24-hour travel to the states.

We came out of this, after some terse words and hard feelings, with some guidelines for future furloughs. Now, when my daughter and family come home they allow for time to rest before they have to travel and speak to supporters and churches. They resolve to rest for two weeks before taking speaking engagements. For my part, I never make plans for them but instead ask them and I accept if they must decline.

I often am contacted by well-meaning people who want to get in touch with my daughter and her husband. They want to schedule them for a visit or a talk at their church. I don’t give out their numbers but instead forward the contact information and request to my daughter. Their schedule in the states can become unmanageable quickly if they do not build rest time into their schedule.

Churches can create a place where missionary families can unwind and rest for several weeks before being asked to speak at church events. Most people who have never lived overseas do not realize the emotional toll it takes to travel for several days on many flights without sleep. When small children are added into the journey and the fact that they are moving from a third world country to the United States, it takes time to regroup and assure the children that they are safe and that their world is secure.

An understanding of Third Culture Kids (TCK) is also very important. My grandchildren were no longer American when they returned to the states. Their first language was not English. Sunday school and large church services are unknowns for them. They do not want to be different, but they are. They usually are not even happy to be in the States, and they do not consider America home. The best advice is to have the Sunday school teachers and youth leaders who will be in contact with the children have a bit of training on third culture kids. They have videos available to assist churches on understanding and preparing to engage with TCKs.

Extending grace to missionary families is also important. Many missionaries have commented that they were told they had ill-behaved children when they returned to their home churches. These kids are just operating by a different set of social norms.

Churches should encourage a debriefing session for the whole family by a professional counselor. These are costly so if the church can cover the expense, that’s a huge blessing. One church we know set up advocacy teams for each missionary family. This group met monthly and videoed my missionary family and had a prayer time with them. The women text my daughter and the guys talk to my son-in-law. I appreciated it when one person on the team was assigned to me as the parent liaison. When war broke out, they called to see how I was doing and to let me know they were praying.

Plan a healthy departure. Sit down with your kids and have a good heart to heart talk months before they leave. Allow each other to share feelings and grieve in a healthy way. Determine to encourage your departing children and not manipulate them to feel bad about leaving. If necessary, find a counselor to talk about your feelings so that you can become a supportive force in their ministry. After traveling to the airport for the first two departures, I have decided to say goodbye privately and not be at the airport.

From the beginning, I determined I would never get in the way of the Holy Spirit as He directs my children and their ministry calling.

Find your praying support group. It is important to have friends you can trust when you are sad or scared. Needing prayer is not a sign of weakness.

Purpose to visit your missionary family overseas. This speaks volumes to them about your intention to support and encourage them. Seeing firsthand what their work is like helps you understand how to pray for them.

Plan regular times to connect through video chats. This is especially important if you have grandchildren abroad. Video chats on birthdays or other special occasions are especially meaningful. Find ways to stay in contact with the grandchildren. When they were younger I would read to them on video. As they each get older and have access to their own email or Facebook chat, I try to keep regular dialogue going about things that interest them.

It’s an effort and sometimes costly to send gifts with church groups that are traveling to see the missionaries. Find out how much you can send and when you need it delivered to the church to have it included in the bags going overseas. Kids love small items to remind them how important they are to you.